After years of attending work holiday parties, it seems strange not to attend one this year. They’ve been a fixture of my life as a lawyer. And I have seen everything: from the quaint office lunch to raucous, alcohol-infused after-hours Bacchanalia. From the parties infused with warmth and good feeling about the year’s accomplishments, to the ones tinged with terror coming from the top. From the ones where I’ve worn a sparkly sweater and jeans to the ones I had to purchase a designer cocktail dress. The white elephant presents, the potlucks, the cookie swaps. Yeah. All of it.

While I love a good work holiday party, I have attended many bad ones. I don’t appear to be alone: according to at least one survey 90% of people hate them. But more importantly, they’re particularly hard for women.

Why? Almost all of the horrors of holiday parties are things uniquely inflicted on us. Even if a work holiday party does not have some type of bad behavior, the expectations during such events are harder for women to meet. In fact, if you Google what not to do at your work holiday party, you’ll notice that almost all of the described behaviors are directed at women—including what not to wear (too tight, too short, etc.), how to act (social and outgoing, grateful to your employer), and how to avoid flirting. (Can we just say that most of the conduct male writers describe as flirting is probably in their heads?!) All of those examples are judgments typically made of women rather than men.

What to Wear

Let’s start with the superficial: worrying about what to wear. I wish I could have back the hours and money I spent on the clothes I felt I needed for work holiday parties. Because you want to look festive but not goofy. Attractive but not slutty. Put-together—but not like you’re trying too hard. And you don’t want to wear what the other two women in your office are wearing!

Women don’t have the luxury of putting on a suit with a festive tie and calling it a day. As with any other time of the year, getting dressed is not just getting dressed for women. While I’m insanely jealous that there are now wardrobe consultants like Estelle Winsett and Melanie Lippman who can help professional women navigate such events, it’s unfortunate that professional women need them, when men clearly do not.

Of course, worrying about what to wear is not as superficial as it might initially seem. It arises from a desire to fit in—and fitting into a male-dominated workplace as a woman is hard. Everyone, regardless of gender, is evaluated to some degree at a work event. As one Forbes article bluntly puts it, the work holiday party “could be a secret evaluation or test of your professional skills and demeanor, offering you a unique opportunity to leave a lasting impression on your boss and advance your career.” (No pressure there!) For professional women part of what is evaluated is—unfortunately—our ability to “dress the part.” Think of how many times your office has buzzed about what a woman wore to your holiday party, then think about whether that buzz has ever existed for a man.

The Alcohol

Another source of anxiety is the element of alcohol at work holiday parties, and all that comes with it. The things you say that you shouldn’t have said, the people who go home together who shouldn’t have, followed by the next morning’s unsettling feeling that your boss may have said something important to you that, with one too many glasses of red wine, you didn’t properly interpret or don’t fully recall.

I’m not going to shake a finger at the excessive consumption of alcohol at work parties. It would be hypocritical of me to do so. In addition, finger-shaking fails to acknowledge the function alcohol often serves for professional women. First, work holiday parties are uncomfortable, and alcohol can help, as one Financial Times article [paywall] explains, “shut down anxious thoughts.”

Second, unfortunately, the consumption of alcohol has historically been part of the performance evaluation baked into work holiday parties. The above Financial Times article points out that, while younger generations of women are more comfortable with NA events, women who are now in their forties and fifties (like me) entered the workplace at a time when drinking was an accepted way to prove themselves to men. While it’s completely understandable that you might not want to consume alcohol at a work event filled with men, that protective behavior can in the wrong workplace have adverse consequences for your advancement.

The Harassment

Due in part to the presence of alcohol, work holiday parties are almost stereotypical locations of sexual harassment. I will be writing a separate issue on sexual harassment in the legal profession, but let’s just say here that neither the development of the law nor workplace policies surrounding sexual harassment have changed the reality that many women lawyers experience at the workplace. Holiday parties are no exception.

According to one survey, 60% of women have experienced unwanted sexual advances at work-related events. Given other numbers [paywall] available about women lawyers, this report, and the experiences of women I know, I strongly suspect that number is higher in our profession.

Closing Thoughts

Holiday parties can be negative experiences because whatever is wrong at your workplace is likely to be amplified at your holiday party. If you work for a narcissist the holiday party will be yet another fear-filled atmosphere where you feel compelled to perform. If sexual harassment is allowed to persist at your workplace it will run rampant and then later waved away by HR. If you feel that you operate in a world of double standards that only apply to the women in your office, you’ll notice all the women nervously sipping drinks in cocktail dresses while the men lounge in cords and Patagonia jackets.

Conversely, if you have an otherwise healthy workplace where gender diversity is valued and treasured, you can enjoy being with your colleagues in a setting that doesn’t have as many rules as the office. In short, if we make legal workplaces better for women, work holiday parties will become better too.

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