When 2023 began I could not have imagined I’d write a newsletter. After having a 25-year career where people told me to do things, the idea of doing something simply because I wanted to do it would have seemed preposterous. Even if I’d thought about writing something, I certainly would not have believed anyone would want to read it.

So I’d like to open the last issue of 2023 by thanking you for reading Comes Now. Thank you for sending messages of support, for reaching out when a particular issue spoke to you, and for sharing what I’ve written with others in your life. Thanks for all the coffees, dinners, and other sit-downs chatting about the newsletter. They all mean a great deal to me.

Gratitude - Yuck!

I’m thankful for all of you, but, as this year draws to a close, I’ve found myself being grateful in a different way as well. But before I get into that discussion, I should admit that I have a relatively uncomfortable relationship with gratitude. It seems a day doesn’t pass on my social media feed without some guru offering the cringeworthy suggestion that we practice gratitude on a daily basis. But I am not the type of person who can say “I’m thankful that it took me 2 hours to drive into Washington D.C. today;” “I’m thankful my co-counsel is a misogynist jerk” or “I’m thankful that my kids’ school just sent me the 36th email of things I need to purchase, collect, or donate during the holiday season.”

That being said, this year I have begun to learn a different type of gratitude, one I think might help you if you are struggling or feeling adrift at the end of this year. Namely, I have become grateful for the negative experiences I had during my career. I’m not grateful to them for teaching me lessons or anything didactic like that; I’m grateful that I experienced them because they led me to where I am right now.

When I look back on my legal career to date, I know there were situations so bad that I should have listened to what they were telling me:

• The partner who chastised me for my lack of “commitment” when I started leaving for the gym every evening at 7:00

• The partner who effectuated a major management change while I was on maternity leave without telling me

• The firm that gave me a substantial mid-year raise only for me to learn a few weeks later that I’d gotten it because we’d hired a younger male associate the firm was paying more

• The partner who grabbed my butt and stuck his tongue down my throat at a conference

• The firm that delayed my partnership because I was loyal and wasn’t going anywhere

• The places I had to threaten to sue before I was given origination credit or a bonus

• The countless microaggressions about being a mother and whether I’d really rather be at home

• The unsolicited comments about my clothing and body

• The hundreds of places I wasn’t invited by the bros but should have been; and

• All the times I was interrupted or silenced.

• And So. Many. More.

None of these things were my breaking point individually. Instead, I took them as a sign that I needed to put my head down even more, to work even harder, and to show that I was tougher. I took every indication of toxicity in my workplaces as a test: I wasn’t going to let them defeat me!

It wasn’t until I leaned into how much these events had collectively affected me that I was able to realize that they were not tests I was being asked to endure. They were teachers. (And, since I’m apparently a particularly dense student, they came in the form of some real a##holes.) You’ve heard the saying - “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” That saying also holds true on a broader scale: when your workplace shows you what it is, believe it.

It can be painful to be in a place where you’re experiencing such things. And, as high-powered women, we are conditioned to try to fix them and blast obstacles out of our way. Then, when we can’t change them, we blame ourselves.

As this year draws to a close, try looking at these a##hole teachers differently. Consider the gifts they offer. Think of the direction they’re nudging (in my case shoving!) you. Don’t wait as long as I did to listen to them.

Happy Holidays to all of you. Rest up for 2024! I’ll have much more to say on my usual subjects then.

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