In the process of preparing for my recent discussion with Emily Logan Stedman and Rachel Clar about women who don’t support other women, I thought a lot about how some of the negative experiences women have with each other in the workplace arise because we don’t understand where other generations have been. During the event itself, there were questions from younger women on how to reach older women—and as a partner I often pondered the reverse.

A younger woman lawyer might not understand why I was convinced I couldn’t have children until I made partner. They wouldn’t necessarily relate to how I regularly felt that my position in the workplace was precarious. I was afraid that if I didn’t get through pregnancy and maternity leave without skipping a beat, the guys would assume that I couldn’t cut it in their world. Because I had no one to talk to about these things, I certainly didn’t say them, but I thought them.

Younger women lawyers also probably don’t know how much trauma women of my generation experienced as we made our way up the ladder. It’s not just what we experienced; it’s that we didn’t have the vocabulary to describe what we were experiencing. We didn’t have words for microaggressions; we didn’t talk about internalized misogyny. Heck—sexual harassment wasn’t deemed to be a violation of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act until 1986. Without the right words, we just didn’t talk about what was going on. It wasn’t until I was well within the second decade of my career that women lawyers started talking about these things.

At least that was my perception. Since I started writing this newsletter, I’ve learned that there was research beginning in at least the 1960s about the challenges women faced in the legal profession. But, without social media, it wasn’t widely distributed. The lexicon of that research took a long time to surface in the mainstream.

In my decades of mentoring younger women, I learned that I was often just as ignorant about their experiences as they were of mine. I was appalled when Millennial women thought they should get more than the three months I had for maternity leave. I often thought they should have to “earn” the right to work from home or work flexible schedules. It took me awhile to see that the way they were handling childcare with their partners was profoundly different than how I did it. It took me even longer to learn that I’d internalized a vision of the workplace created by men.

Generational Differences in the Workplace

In the polarized world in which we live, we tend to decide what someone is “about” based on simplistic descriptions. And, once we attach those labels, we stop listening. And let’s admit, we all enjoy poking fun about the differences between generations. Baby Boomers can’t use technology; Gen X is still stuck on email; Millennials need trophies for everything; and Gen Z just doesn’t want to work. (Have you seen ChampagneCruz’s hilarious videos on TikTok?)

Yet despite the stereotypes we hold about each generation, substantial research has shown these prejudices not to be true. This graphic from the Harvard Business Review makes the point well:

As with other stereotypes, we tend to use myths about other generations when we don’t understand their behaviors. It’s far easier to tag someone with a generalization that applies to all people born within a thirty-year period than it is to do the work of understanding that person.

Getting Beyond the Generalizations

So how do we get beyond the tropes about generations to begin to understand each other better in the workplace? How can we make women lawyers—no matter their age—truly hear each other?

Quite simply, we do the same thing we ask our male allies to do:

• Be humble

• Pay attention

• Ask questions

• Don’t make assumptions

• Believe what other women tell you

• Advocate and support other women

If you’re a senior woman lawyer, educate yourself before you take a position on HR or development issues that could affect women you supervise. Especially because most of the guys won’t bother, educate yourself by having actual conversations. Don’t do it by anonymous surveys or assume that the experiences of your junior women lawyers are the same as those experiences were for you.

Conversely, if you’re a junior, don’t assume that a woman who doesn’t understand where you’re coming from is a heartless b$&^). Take the time to explain what you need and why you need it. And, if another woman doesn’t truly hear you, ask about how she handled the same situation when she was younger. Doing so may give you insights into why you’re talking past each other. Rinse and repeat until you find someone who will truly listen.

Importantly, we should always keep in mind that so many of the things women think about other women come from what we’ve heard from men. Saying Gen Z doesn’t want to work as hard as older generations did is just another way to ensconce “harder working” old white men in senior positions. Saying women who need to step away to care for their children aren’t as “ambitious” as men just ensures that more women won’t make it to the top. Saying women leaders are b$&^) reinforces the notion that women can’t lead.

Let’s stop using a vocabulary filled with generational stereotypes and start truly listening to other women. Only then we will see all of us rise.

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